Guest Post - Looking From The Outside In - Part 1. By Em Bacon

Writing this blog has been incredible for me, I've learned so much about myself, often while I'm typing it out. I've also learned so much more from others. Comments on social media and here in the blog have been so vocal as people see themselves in my words. That is why I thought having guest writers could bring new perspectives, not just my view, a bigger picture, and they definitely have.

When I had the idea to invite others to post, the one person I thought needed some 'Who's Wally?' screen time was Em.

Em isn't adopted but has experienced firsthand what it's like to be with an adoptee, Me. Em gets it, I mean really gets it! she gets me, and that is incredible.

Her voice, her words, and her feelings are a must-read for all those adoptees or partners of adoptees.

This was a very tough read for me.

Thank you Emma, Over to you...

I was being pushed away. Andy had cemented that last brick in the wall he had been building between us over the last year.

That metaphorical wall had been formed using a whole range of emotions, destructive self-beliefs, depression, and anxiety.

I was a mess; this was not what I wanted or what I truly believed Andy wanted either. There was more to this, I was sure. I just had to find out what it was.

We met at a time when we were both going through a lonely period in our lives, so it felt amazing to find each other and feel alive again. We just clicked, such a cliché but I can’t say it any other way. Talking every day, being open and honest, sharing music, laughing about the same stupid stuff, and just enjoying being in each other’s company. Also, it totally helps when that chemical reaction happens, and you can’t keep your hands off someone!

Speaking about our pasts, Andy told me from the get-go that he was adopted and was very blasé about it. It never seemed to be something that he had any problems with or even thought about.

Quite early on we found out we both, like a lot of people, suffer from a lack of self-esteem, overthink, and over analyse. Both admitted to experiencing bouts of depression and that he had tried counseling before. I did at this time, mention whether his adoption had anything to do with it, but he just shrugged it off. I look back on that conversation now and see how that was only just the surface on his part.

We fell deeply ‘in love’. It was a romantic, beautiful relationship, not just physically or conversationally, but emotionally too. Sharing our inner thoughts and feelings and wanting to help and support each other. Andy made me feel so loved and wanted, and I wanted him to feel that from me too.

Being the kind, generous, clever, (Andy never believed me when I said this to him) and practical person he is, I would get flowers every time we saw each other, and he would travel miles (we live 94 miles from each other) to help me and my family, buy little things I may need, even make me tools I could use for my work. Don’t get me wrong it was so lovely to have someone I loved, do these things, but I did recognise then, that this was a people-pleasing trait and felt at times it wasn’t necessary.

He didn’t need to win my love, I was all in. We were ‘Us’.

I thought it came from a lack of self-esteem, which we had discussed before. But as time went on, I realised it was way deeper than that.

Our social lives were quite different, I came from a very sociable background with many friends. Whereas, at the time, Andy lived a quiet and quite solitary lifestyle, apart from work, a few friends, kids, and his family. This I now know, is due to Andy keeping his world small, comfortable, and anxiety free.

Due to us not living near each other, our day-to-day relationship was mainly conducted through messages and video calls, and we would travel to see each other and our families when we could (which wasn’t often enough, to be honest).

This was usually all good, but it really isn’t the best way to communicate. Long-distance relationships are not easy, especially when both parties tend to take things personally by reading totally different intentions in a text message. This would then play on my insecurities and I would over analyse his words.

We would have bouts where we would miss each other terribly and try to work out how we could fix the problem, but we both had our own kids’ lives to consider, so just packing up and moving in together wasn’t an option. But we always managed to get back to being happy we had each other and enjoying what we had.

But then there were the times when his tone of voice would change, there was an underlying anger, a hint of jealousy, being a bit arsey. This would usually happen when I was doing something with a group of friends, going somewhere for the weekend, or even not replying to a message straight away. I would get short messages, or none.

If I did get replies, they just sounded off. Basically, pushing me away. This would then play havoc with my insecurities and feel as if I was doing something wrong. So, instead of me enjoying my time, I would be thinking about us and what it all meant. Trying to understand the situation, “How can he be like this, he knows I love him”, and making me feel hurt and sad. It even made me question if I was in a toxic manipulative relationship!

This would then lead to conversations with him, about how my life was so different, why would I want to be with someone who didn’t like to go to parties, or be in large groups of people, I’d be better off without him stopping me from doing things. To me, this didn’t make sense as I have seen a charismatic, funny guy who can hold his own in a group of people! No matter what I said, he never felt good enough.

This I now know is the beginning of an anxiety episode, where a minor thought in his head will spiral out of control, and become so intensely overwhelming mentally and physically that he can’t think rationally.

That reminds me of the first time Andy had a full-on anxiety attack in my company. 

We were camping with my friends, there was loud dance music and people partying. We’d been drinking most of the day, but then something changed and he walked off, broke down, and started being sick. I didn’t understand what was happening. I just thought he’d had too much to drink, so I managed to get him to bed (well, into a tent). I fully admit I wasn’t the most supportive girlfriend that night, I was a bit pissed off if I’m honest.

The next day was difficult, he was super quiet, and kept wandering off for hours so I didn't know where or how he was. I just wanted him to talk to me. Looking back on that now, I had no idea the struggle he was going through with his thoughts. If I had known what I know now, I would have dealt with it in such a different way. I get very emotional thinking about that time and wish I had been able to help.

After any anxious thoughts, among other things, he would tell me he wasn’t good enough, and I’d be better off without him. We would have conversations for days, ending up with one-word replies, and then eventually becoming almost silent.

I would be left feeling empty and making up all sorts of scenarios of where he was and what he was doing and with whom. Pushing me away to a point where he thought I would eventually say goodbye. Building a wall between us, that neither of us could break through.

I would always give him a bit of time, as I thought this was Andy suffering from depression, and he would find his way out of it, plus I felt it wasn’t the ‘real him’ that was saying these things. This happened a couple of times, and we sort of got back on track, chatting, and seeing each other again but it never felt like he was fully back with me. 

 The thing is, I loved Andy with all my heart, so how could I let go of him.

To be continued...

Image: © Andy Wallis