My Cognitive Jigsaw - A Big Ball of Anxiousness

29 Jul

From my perspective, it seems that no matter how our adoptee lives started, or how they continued, Most of us appear to end up in the same ‘fog’, with very similar issues.

I’ve touched on my various flaws in previous posts, but, I thought it would be a good idea to try and lay out my intrinsic mental properties one by one, and see where it takes me. I don't feel I’ve cracked through the surface of me yet. It's as if I'm looking at the problems through glass. I know what they are, but if I don't take a hammer to that window, I will never truly get my hands on them.

I want to find out what ‘Brian the brains’ rewiring has done to my thought processing and outlook. After all, ‘Who’s Wally?’ is all about me trying to make sense of myself, right?

I'll take a trait that I believe lies within, explain how I think it is attributed to me, and then research why it might be happening. There's a possibility that some of these traits will overlap with others, but I will try and separate them out as best as I can.

I will also add links to the places I have found answers at the foot of each article.

Number 1 - I'm an overthinker, hypervigilant, and a big old ball of anxiousness.

I used to say that I wasn't an overthinker, I would see it in others and make a point of telling them that it's not something I do. But looking back that's not true, I’ve actually spent most of my life overthinking, so I just thought it was normal.

I over analyse, that's what I do, if it's something positive, like for instance I have a practical problem with the car or I have a woodworking project on the go (during lockdown I made guitars), then I'll think the thing inside out. I look for the best solution. Sourcing the materials, getting it right in my head. That's all I can think about.

I love that aspect of it.

Negative overthinking is my special gift though. For instance, if I have done something wrong at work or I've made something I feel I could have done better, or even said something in a conversation that I feel was inappropriate, then I'll fixate on that. I'll carry that around with me like it's a piece of dirty string. Messing with it until it is an untidy knot in my mind. I'll feel bad, ashamed, stupid, and ultimately anxious about it. Even when I am exonerated, it can take days for me to climb down.

If negative overthinking is my 'special gift', then overthinking negative scenarios in a relationship is my superpower, and that's the worst part.

I can turn a simple thing into a big deal in my mind. Most of the time I realise deep down that whatever I'm feeling is incorrect and often blown out of proportion, but that doesn't make it less real to me. Im very good at speaking my mind and being open. However, once I start to overthink a situation linked to a relationship, I clam up, I won't speak, preferring to keep it all to myself. If I firmly believed in my thoughts I would share them. But because I know in my heart of hearts it's ‘Brians fake news’, then I keep it in. choosing to deal with this cognitive ‘tug of war alone’. This of course causes the other person to feel they have done something wrong or that i am cross with them.

In some cases, they start to believe I might be seeing somebody else. What other explanation is there for this radio silence from me? Overthinking is not just for the overthinker it would seem. It can be passed on. It messes with more than just the victim of the overthought.

In Its heightened form it's called Hypervigilance. And I can relate to this also. I'm always on the lookout for the next problem. The next big pitfall. And it s not always consciously, as in, I don't think im aware of how much my mind actually resorts to this type of thinking. My guess though is that is it dominant in me.

Victims of trauma suffer from hypervigilance, it's a state of permanent high alert. Adoptees have suffered with it all their lives, living with a drop in serotonin and raised adrenaline levels causes the ‘fight or flight’ response.

The reason I and other adoptees may feel this way could well be to do with being relinquished. Our early days of being left alone as a baby for however long was traumatic, it has reprogrammed us to expect to be abandoned by everyone we have close to us. In its extreme form overthinking leads to anxiety. When my overthinking goes unchecked it spirals out of control, my heart rate increases, my breathing is erratic and I'm off on the anxiety bullet train, speeding through every station on the way to oblivion.

I always describe an anxiety attack as something that comes out of nowhere and takes me completely by surprise. But perhaps all the signs are there. As soon as I start overthinking, I should be checking my pockets for that train ticket, because perhaps I can get a refund before it's too late.

In conclusion, if I were to give any advice to myself here. I would tell myself that talking is the answer. Don't keep those early stages of overthought to yourself, Wallis. Swallow your pride and say what's concerning you to someone who will listen. Heck, anyone. Say it out loud to yourself in the mirror. Because the train arriving at platform 1 will not be easy to disembark.

Incidentally, according to Wikipedia, Serotonin or 5-hydroxytryptamine (5-HT) is a monoamine neurotransmitter. It modulates mood, cognition, reward, learning, memory, and numerous physiological processes. 90% of serotonin is generated in the gut where it regulates intestinal movement.

How many of us adoptees suffer from digestive problems?

I know I do.

Book - Coming home to self Healing the Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Serotonin