Today, I just need to write!
Friday 23rd June 2023
I'm feeling very anxious tonight. I can feel the familiar churning in my stomach and Brian (the brain) is cooking up a storm in my head. I've not felt this anxious for a few weeks. I had a good day at work and I don't have anything worrying me at present. So I'm trying to work out why I feel it.
My anxiety has been steadily getting worse over the last 12 months. Unfortunately, this has coincided with a new relationship. The further down the road we went, the more difficult it became for me to function ‘normally’ (whatever that is!). Eventually, I had no other choice than to back away. If only to get on top of it and start to understand ‘me’ more. The last few weeks that have gone by have been easier and I've felt lighter in my head and much more clearer thinking. But I must admit I'm gutted that I have to be on my own at times to feel OK. But this WILL be improved upon, I am determined!
I have been quite insular over the last few months and since my decision to face my adoption ghosts full on I've been busy. I'm getting more and more involved in social media than I have allowed myself over the last 12 months, by finding like-minded groups. now that I know they are out there, As well as throwing myself into writing. I've written over 6000 words for the book and blog recently. Which has taken its toll, due to it requiring some considerable soul searching.
Because of the writing, I'm talking to people more, making acquaintances, and doing a little bit of networking, in my own way. I'm pushing myself all the time now. I refuse to be controlled by unknown forces any longer, I have to face them head-on. Push through the fears. It won’t get any easier if I let myself be ruled by Brian.
In conclusion, I believe there's more anxiety due to the fact that I am pressing myself to engage in the type of thinking and activities that I’ve been hiding from for a long time, and although I dislike the physical feelings it’s producing, I’m loving the process, the progression and becoming proud of my achievements so far, no matter how small they may appear on the outside.
I'm still waiting for the counseling to begin. After contacting them this week they have asked for my availability for the next 3 months because there are a few more cases in front of me that they can't see due to the individuals schedules, So I've shared a work schedule with them as of yesterday (22nd June). Hopefully, it will be easier to match me up with a session counselor that way.
Fingers crossed it will be soon, as I can't wait to get going on this part of the journey.
