Corrupted Wallis 1.0 Software and Football at Christmas

I'm not a medical professional, I'm not a professional anything for that matter, although I was a professional photographer for about 10 years. Having the ability to take a good photograph, or ‘Make’ a photograph as we ‘togs’ like to say,  is not very conducive to writing about the intricacies of the adoptee's mind in a scientific way, so I won't. What I will do however, is learn about myself and my link to adoption and the potential trauma within, try to recognise what my issues are, and then do my best to write about it in a way that I, and anyone else reading it will understand.

Adoption trauma manifests itself in lots of ways it would seem. From the obvious emotional stuff like anxiety and depression to the less obvious social quirks like refusing to do something fun because it wasn't the adoptee's idea. Weird as it might seem, I can recall lots of moments in my past where I've just flatly refused an activity or outing for fear of losing the element of sovereignty. 

This often leads to a ‘Brian’ driven anxiety session too. I'd get so worked up pre the event that I'd lose it and then panic about the loss of control, which in turn created its own loss of control. Finally topped off with a nice big dollop of shame to boot. ‘Dollop’ great word that! 

I could never explain why I felt the way I did, or where it all came from. It was highly confusing to me and others involved. There are physical symptoms too, and not just from the anxiety. It turns out that I might be able to put my digestive issues down to being adopted. As I've become older, did I mention I am 50 now?... I know right!... I don't look it, do I?.... You! 

Yes, as I've become older I'm less tolerant of certain foods. One, in particular, is oats. I won't go into too much detail here, but needless to say, I don't get a great deal of enjoyment during the post-oat consumption hours. 

Now, this could well be a part of getting on a bit or the fact that there was a period of time a few years ago when I pretty much lived on flapjacks! That said, there is no getting away from the fact that some adoptees who feel they are living with adoption trauma, also report these sorts of physical symptoms.

Above all else though I fear the most obvious issue I have is with attachment. The realisation of this is very new to me. My past is littered with broken friendships and relationships that, almost without exception, were down to me. With any new relationship, I tend to go ‘all in’, right from the off. Telling myself that I'm sick of restarting, so this time it will be different. I will be better. I'm being the person I want to be and getting that across to the recipient, leaving no room for error. 

My head is light and airy and the world is full of possibilities. I feel weightless and life is fun again. My new friend or partner will want for nothing and I'll break my back to be there for them should they need it. Needing to please others has been a big part of my life and as I'm sure you would concur, there is nothing negative to be had from embracing this. 

But, yes there's always a “but”, the more I find out about Adoption trauma and how it might have affected my life, the more I’m starting to consider the fact that I'm not really doing these things for others, no; I'm doing it all for kudos, for 'likes', or social acceptance or perhaps to avoid giving that new partner of mine a reason to leave me. 

You see there is a possibility that due to being relinquished by my birth mother in that first week of my life, my mind could be predisposed to think that everyone close to me is temporary, that I'm going to be left alone again at any moment. 

Our minds are thinking machines, and those machines spend all day relaying information like;  “oh, look at the size of that dog, what's for dinner tonight" and “God, I hope that smell isn't me!” and when we have conscious thoughts in this way we know our minds are working, helping us.

There is also the sort of workings that we don't necessarily see flashing across our heads. And they are the ones that allow us to be breathing and driving the car at the same time. Or, doing as I am now, thinking of phrases for this paragraph and being able to type it out, delete it, and type it out differently. Then fix all the typos. Read it out loud and say “Nah”. without physically needing to direct my hand to the correct letter on the keyboard. Amazing stuff, humans are very well adapted. However, there's that “but” again!

'But' then, there's the other stuff our brains do and that also happens without conscious thought. And that is, how we feel at any one moment. The chemical stuff. 

For example, this clever stuff gets involved to help us feel happy, balanced, and level. Frightened, sad, or worried. It makes sure that we react in the right way based on a predetermined set of rules or software if you like, that our brains have stored. As soon as we physically experience something, our brains trigger the correct chemical mix to help us through. There is a school of thought suggesting that it happens the other way around. Our brains are pre-empting the situation and start their signaling before the event. It all happens so fast that we just don't notice. 

This is all great news of course, as long as your software file isn't corrupted. psychotherapist, Tony Ingham, in his blog ‘Adoption Trauma in Adopted Adults’, describes an adoptee's cognition in this way: 

"As children, as part of ordinary development, we might build up a sense of the world around us that we then go on to internalise. We can then carry that picture in our minds, and it provides us with the psychological coordinates we need to live, work and thrive. It nurtures us. Certain events, such as adoption, can damage this internal model and the problems that result from that are enduring and go on to be the origin of complex problems in our lives." 

Clever eh? I could only dream of coming up with that paragraph! I liked this description so much, I contacted Tony and asked if I could quote him in my material. He agreed I didn't steal it, honest… he also asked if I could share a link to his work you can find this particular article here. Thank you, Tony Ingham.

‘Internalising’ our birth trauma through relinquishment has allowed ‘Brian’ to lay some pretty dodgy-looking foundations for me to build my walls off (often that's exactly what they are, walls) Thus causing me, and many other adoptees, no end of troubles throughout life. But I'm hoping it ought to be easy enough to demolish, just need the right-sized hammer.

On Christmas day, Last year, I was in a relationship. I'd bought football goals and a new ball for my partner's son. In the afternoon it was decided that we would use them at the local park. 

Goals were set up and the game started. There was no room for me as it was 2 verses 2. So I was told to be the referee. “Fair enough,” you say, right? Not to Brian it wasn't. I started feeling very much on the outside, looking in. Eventually, my mood fell and I walked off. Just to be on my own. I was gone for over an hour. For a good while afterward, I was very quiet and just sat reading, all the time trying to work out what had happened and why. Where had that come from? 

It arrived all of a sudden and brought my mood right down extremely quickly. Did the software in my head start running the ‘You’re being abandoned again’ routine? Surely not. I mean how? Why? It was just a simple family game of football. I should have been enjoying the fact that my gift was getting used and bringing happiness, shouldn't I? The answer is of course - Yes, absolutely. At the time I had no clue as to what was going on. I did come around eventually. 

I felt very insignificant and almost embarrassed because of how I reacted. It's only through interacting with other adoptees, the research and writing that I am doing, that I can now look back on that moment with a bit more clarity. I firmly believe that my inability to process attachment is the reason for this little drop in power. And that blows my tiny little broken mind!

Trauma. That's the corruptor. Many people suffer trauma from something terrible that has happened to them at some point in their lives and they may have had many years pre trauma. They can often look back and pinpoint where the changes they are experiencing took place.

But with myself and no doubt other adoptees, the trauma of abandonment by the birth mother happened so early on in their lives that, as Nancy Verrier puts it in her book ‘Coming Home to Self’ there is “no pre-trauma self” to call on. The theory being that my reactions to some scenarios could be skewed because Brian is using those different sets of rules.

So, how can we possibly trust ourselves to act ‘Normally’? The short answer is we can't. Strange emotional responses should be expected. The super-power here though is understanding these responses and ‘heading them off at the pass’. Shut down the software before it starts making these changes. Just understanding that they happen and being able to sense the trigger is very powerful. It is early days, but I feel l am now able to look more objectively at my situation and cognitive response to it and then see how ridiculous it is. 

Image: © Andy Wallis