I am the Pied-Piper, now pay me!

18 Jul

I've been dealing with mental health issues most of my adult life, Whoa!!! Hold on, “adult”? I'm not an adult, I feel like a 12-year-old in my head. certainly within the last decade. However, it's only of late that I've started to see connections that are worth exploring. So here we go…

People pleasing.

“Yes, 'People pleasing' , what's wrong with that, thats a good thing, right?” I hear you say. Good people do things for others I get that. The problem with 'people pleasing' in adoptees is that it comes with a pretty hefty price tag.

For the receiver, it's nothing but good, but they have no idea of the real reason behind this good deed.

Long before I came out of the adoption fog I knew, I just knew, deep down that I was doing things for others for gratification, to be wanted, recognised. To be noticed, thought of, and even loved. If doing something for someone only came with a "Thanks" and not an “Oh my god, that's amazing, you're so good at this, thank you very much" then id be disappointed, hurt, or even slightly angry in some cases.

I metaphorically arrive in town, all ‘Pied-Piper-esque’ telling tales of how I can help you in your hour of need, I will remove your rats. I know what im doing! All I require in return is, your overwhelming gratitude and the knowledge that you will continue to hold me in your heart from now on. Tell me how amazing I am, so that I might feel some self-worth. For I am lacking…

If you don't, I will kidnap your children...!

Ok so, that's where the analogy breaks down, im definitely not in the habit of removing children, shit, im one of those kids! It was all going so well then there was the awkward kidnapping.

Admitting this to others would usually manufacture a response of “But you're a good person, don't lose sight of that, that's why you do it isn't it?”

That's good to know, but no, it’s not. Sorry.

Coming from an engineering background and generally being pretty handy I was often the first one to offer to help. I took weeks off work to fit kitchens and drove hours to repair someone's car in the rain. I've worked 12-hour night shifts as an engineer, then driven to a friend's place to work another 18 hours for them without sleep.

In some cases, I don't even know how to do the thing that I've volunteered for, I have to learn on the job or research it to death beforehand. That's one of the reasons I steer clear of hospitals. You know, just in case I'm walking past an operating theatre and a nurse comes bursting out of the swing doors shouting “Oh no, the surgeon has just collapsed." "How will we complete this complicated brain surgery on this poor child now?!”

Cut to me, scrubbed up, Standing head-end of a desperately ill 8-year-old child. A scalpel in one hand, rubbing my chin with the other, watching Youtube. There are so many instances of me pushing myself to, and over my limits just for a chance to feel useful, needed, and not a waste of skin.

I refer to it because it's a trait I feel needs to be addressed in me and is repeated time and time again with adopted individuals.

I think for me it is about looking for a place to sit in the world and could well be linked to not feeling comfortable in myself.

Growing up in our family home was great mostly. I always felt comfortable, loved, and cared for, well except for when i'd done something I shouldn't have, it was the 70’ and 80’s, and kids were put in their place properly back then! I was never that academic growing up and consequently would spend what felt like hours going through maths texts books with Dad over the kitchen table. It just didn't seem to sink in. I remember being in tears often as Dad tried his best to explain things that just weren't going in.

I just couldn't accept that 10x10=100. But why does it? How far back into the theory did I need to go, it's 100, it just is. Just knowing the answer wasn't enough. Did I really need a ‘10s’ origin story? Talking later with my 15-year-old daughter who also openly admits that maths isn't her strongest subject, I discovered that she also has this same issue of ‘Why the answer is ‘x’. Yes, you can do the sum. Yes, it adds up. But why does it? I was so concerned with ‘why’ I lost sight of ‘what’.

Incidentally, my daughter taught me how to do ratio calculations two days ago. She's far better at mathematics than she thinks she is.

However, Homelife and maths aside, being independent has been more difficult.

I can't recall ever feeling truly at home anywhere, no matter how long I've stayed in one place. Im always on a knife edge. Not necessarily anxious all the time, but absolutely on the brink of anxiousness no doubt. I've never felt settled. I've been living unsettled in this house now since 2018, and although I enjoy coming ‘home’ and I look after it as best I can, it is a rented property, so perhaps that has something to do with feeling unsettled. But even when I have owned houses, in the past, there was always something ‘a miss’ in me.

But what is it that drives me and other adoptees to be such relentless people pleasers? Are we all looking to be validated our entire lives? Also, is this just reserved for adoptees or does everyone have a bit of that in them?

Ann Stoneson in her blog ‘What makes a people pleaser’ writes:

“People pleasing is a strategy for coping with a lack of security in a relationship. While we often focus on the negatives that come with this relational stance, it actually has a lot of strengths in it, too”

This is a great article by the way and well worth a look.

Oh great! Here it is then, I am a people pleaser because im not happy in my own skin. I'm anxious about how I come across to others, im insecure in relationships because I feel im going to be cast aside again. I have low self-esteem, I want to feel validated and useful and I need to be told so, with gusto please, if you don't mind.

Damn it, I try and write a blog that goes in a different direction to attachment in relationships, and no matter which way I turn, im back where I started! And all this because one person has an unwanted pregnancy… or 3.

Ah, the 1970s eh? What a time to be alive…