Andy the Android

I consider myself a very open and giving person and it's possibly because I go the extra mile to be accepted, liked or loved. So it might be coming from a very insecure place. A lack of self esteem can do strange things to me. Am I good enough, did I say the right thing? Oh god! Did I say the wrong thing? So when I love someone, I fall fast. I do everything in my power to make sure that person knows how I feel at every opportunity. I think I need to know that the other person in the relationship knows that I'm serious. Perhaps to me, if I lay my heart out then there's less chance of them leaving me.

But then later down the line, I lose momentum, I start to question myself and my position in this other person's life. Why me? I'm just not good enough, they are wasting their time aren't they? They deserve better.  Then everything becomes a mountain to climb and I start to shut down. 

Eventually, I close off completely, shutting off communication. text messages become short and few and i do as much as i can to put the other person out of my head, because it hurts to think about them. If i do think about them, and to be perfectly honest, it's just as often as i did when i was feeling good about ‘us’ so who am i kidding here?! It comes with a pressure that I physically feel in my head. I have visions of them talking about me with friends and laughing about how ridiculous I am. Then Brian does his best to raise the issues of low self esteem.

After all that has happened, and this can take weeks by the way, I turn into Andy the android. I lose all feeling. I feel no emotion at all as if I've locked it away in a box in my head then swallowed the key.

Emotional numbness as it is often referred to, is a symptom of stress or anxiety, depression, fatigue, Post traumatic stress disorder or medication. So how could I possibly explain it when it happens to me?

I guess the first thing to do is to explain how it feels. It is as if I have a glass wall between myself and the world, or I'm a squash court wall and everything else that could and should cause an emotional response from me is the ball, and it all just bounces off. Actually, that's not quite the case, only things that are directly related to myself seem to get filtered out. For example, a meaningful conversation with a loved one that might require an emotional response, nothing, flat, nada, I’m a blank sheet of paper. But sit me in front of a movie and I cry like a baby! It almost makes no sense.

But hold on a minute, perhaps there is something in this. You see, it's safe to cry at a movie as there's nothing remotely related to me in it, I don't have to let go of the emotions that I'm protecting in that box to be able to shed a tear at a sad film. None of this is ‘Me’, so I can just let go of it. It's worth noting also that because it's not opening the tap that are my true emotions, then there is no real relief from that release. Good, I've kept control. Well of course that's not “good” but during those times, it feels good. Yes I know that sounds odd. That's how it works. For me at least. 

So, why is this happening? 

For myself it starts with a growing feeling of threat. My relationship with this person is threatened. Not in a physical sense, just an underlying feeling. Where that threat comes from is from others outside of the ‘us’. All those friends and social arrangements the other person has and does. That's a horrible feeling to have, because I know that a healthy social life is key to feeling happy and I want that for the other person, of course. But isn't that just taking them away from me? Soon they will realise that I am an idiot and I'm holding them back.

A large social scene is something I don't really allow for myself. I feel safer in smaller circles, so there must be a dose of jealousy in there too as I really wish I felt capable of such things. Oh look, here comes Brian again with his suitcase full of low self esteem.

I do spend a lot of my time generally on high alert, on the brink of the fight or flight response. General Anxiety Disorder I was told when I signed up for some online Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) last year. Having hit another particularly low spot, I decided to refer myself through the ‘MyGP’ app I was sent by my surgery. CBT is great at combating the symptoms, but does not address the roots of the issues. I'm not suggesting it shouldn't be tried; however, go for it. It helps. But it's a bit like topping a car engine up with oil without fixing the leak. The ‘driveway’ that is in my mind is covered in oil spots now and it's way past the time to find the leak.

But why is this happening?

The ability to regulate emotions is something that Nancy Verrier refers to in her book  ‘Coming Home to Self’ as something that is directly related to mood. The book also discusses the fact that this regulation is often linked to the presence of “overwhelming feelings” and i can definitely relate to that. Those overwhelming feelings could just be, being in a close and intimate relationship, and that is what will ultimately trigger my suppression of emotion. Being a negative and anxious thinker by default, I'm always on the lookout for the next disaster, or hypervigilance as it's better known.

Hypervigilance is common in adoptees, being born into a world we cannot trust because the only person in that world that we needed is gone. I do find the whole concept tricky to swallow at times, because I don't remember any of it. However the evidence is out there, you only have to type ‘Adoption Trauma’ into Google to see it, pages and pages of articles, books, podcasts and Facebook groups, You name it. 

In short, at times, I'm a robot, controlled by a program created long before I was aware it was being installed. Version 1 of that code is out of date, Version 2 is coming and it's going to change the operating system for the better.

Image: Andy the Android - © Andy Wallis