7 o’clock, Wrestle With my Self-loathing. I'm Booked.
It's dark at both ends of a shift at the moment.
On Wednesday this week, I arrived home from work at 7 am, after completing my last night shift. I went to bed to catch up on sleep as usual. I mostly wake at around noon, but not this particular day. I settled for a few hours of sleep. When I woke it was still dark. Typical, I must have only been asleep for a very short period. No. To my surprise, it was 19.45 and I had slept for nearly 13 hours!
Feeling wretched, I got up.
I felt completely hollowed out with hunger, I ate and watched some TV. I was good for nothing else.
By around 10 pm I was asleep again on the sofa until 2 am the following day, I crawled back to bed.
Waking at 11.30 am I lay there, contemplating staying put, working out in my head, what I needed to do, and perhaps putting aside the things I didn't. I decided I ought to be doing something with the rest of my only day off, as I was going to have to be up and out at 5 am on Friday for work again.
What did I do with myself? Nothing, I'd considered a walk, I couldn't be bothered. So I spent the rest of the day watching TV again. I tried some online Christmas shopping, but that just annoyed me because when I started to consider buying gifts, I realised I didn't have a scooby-doo about what to get for people. I scrolled through my socials, it's wall-to-wall Christmas. I am not. The kids and I put up the Christmas tree a few days back. I was hoping that it might create some seasonal jingle, but it didn’t. If anything I think it might have added a bit of extra gloom. Is my heart two sizes too small as Dr Suess might have said? I checked my reflection, nope, nothing green about me … yet.
To be honest, I'm like this every year. I dread Christmas, I'm sure I'm not alone. I think mostly it's because I don't want to let people down by buying poor and unimaginative presents. Plus I never feel like celebrating it. Why should I celebrate Christmas, it brings me down, it feels like throwing a party for a broken leg. I guess some enjoy the Christmas parties and big family get-togethers. I've never had that. Work Christmas parties have rarely happened in my working life and family parties sit in the same pigeonhole. Invitations from friends don't often come my way either. Now, this is because of my inability to socialise or make and keep many friends. Choosing to be ‘out of the loop’ instead.
I've barely spoken to the 3 or 4 friends (outside of work) I have allowed myself to have this year anyway. I'm pretty sure that a lot of what I experience in my head is related to my adoption trauma issues, and these days I'm often able to quash it, but if I let my guard down and become complacent it gets the better of me. I've said before that the mind is like a growing lawn. If you leave it unattended, it grows wild, it looks untidy and weeds take hold. Look after it, mow it, and pull out those weeds regularly, it's much easier to manage.
In essence, I've got the lawn mower out and this blog post is a ramble through my disjointed thoughts, I'm getting it out of my head, de-weeding, to be able to understand and correct my mood. These times in an adoptee's life can be tough, you know, Christmas and birthdays? It makes them reflect on their bio family, they wonder if they are thought about by them and the relinquishment becomes even more real. But in truth, I've searched my mind and I think I’ve made my peace with that side of my life, the indifference within me to these facts about my adoption is palpable. But then again, maybe the fierceness of that indifference may be the red flag you're all looking for.
Friday at work I was not feeling my best, it was mentioned that I seemed to be quite negative and I was asked if I was feeling ok. I’m honest about my mind and struggles at work, and often it falls on a quiet room, but today, people were proactively asking how ‘Brian the brain was. I relayed my weird sleep issues from earlier in the week. “Well that's it then, SAD!, you've hardly seen any daylight for days!” This was true, but it was the first time I realised it. “The sun’s out now, get outside for a while, get some Vitamin D!” I did as I was told. While I was outside, I started to type this post into my phone. The combination of sunlight, writing, and the interest in my wellbeing from colleagues was starting to do its work and it began the cognitive corner-turning I so needed.
SAD, (Seasonal Affected Disorder). According to the NHS website “SAD is a type of depression that comes and goes in a seasonal pattern. SAD is sometimes known as ‘winter depression’ because the symptoms are usually more apparent and more severe during the winter.
Some people with SAD may have symptoms during the summer and feel better during the winter”.
Symptoms of SAD can include: low mood … Check, a loss of pleasure or interest in normal everyday activities … Check, irritability …Check, feelings of despair, guilt, and worthlessness … Check,
feeling lethargic (lacking in energy) and sleepy during the day, sleeping for longer than normal and finding it hard to get up in the morning, craving carbohydrates and gaining weight, difficulty concentra…ooh look, a squirrel, Check, check, check and more checks!
Soooo … erm …Ha, it's not difficult to see why I’m once again doing battle with Brian, is it? Night shift work, sleeping during the day, the lack of proper daylight, and the pressure of Christmas, have to be big factors here, not to mention how susceptible I am to negative thoughts and ending up walking that old black dog called depression.
So, what can I do about it, I mean, it is Christmas after FFS!
Without even researching I know that getting more daylight and drinking less alcohol is a great place to start. Perhaps getting more exercise? Well, I've just signed up to run the month of January for prostate cancer awareness, so that's that one covered. Eating a healthier diet definitely wouldn't have a negative impact either.
Light boxes are often used as a therapy to combat SAD, creating artificial daylight for sufferers. Then there's talking therapies and CBT. Talking is often difficult for me. Once I get going I'll talk all day long. But in dark times, I find it difficult to start. Being in a relationship with me must be like owning a classic car!
Last but not least, is antidepressants, I feel that I have an aversion to this type of remedy for my low moods. Perhaps it's that typical male swerving of doctors surgeries or maybe it's the artificial changes to cognition that I'm not comfortable with. Who knows.
Goodness me I can be a complicated being at times, and sticking with the Dr Suess theme, I guess I do feel like the Grinch at times, isolated in my self-made mountain lair, looking out onto Whoville whilst the Whos’ live in what appears happy bliss, without a care in the world. Well, that's how it seems.
“4 ‘o’clock, wallow in self-pity. 4:30, stare into the abyss. 5 ‘o’clock, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize; 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7 o’clock, wrestle with my self-loathing. I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9, I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, and slip slowly into madness." — The Grinch.
I’m not trying to piss on your Christmas crackers here, if you enjoy Christmas, then go for it, I’m happy for you, This is more about saying “Hey, I know I’m supposed to be happy and joyous this time of year, but I rarely am, and I’m not alone”.
So, be a ‘Cindy-Lou’ to the Grinch in your life, because maybe their aversion to all things ‘Father Christmas’ might run deeper than you think.
