"You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
An exceeding amount of time has gone by since I last posted a blog here on Who’s Wally?
In truth, since spilling the contents of my poorly constructed head into the book, I sort of felt a door had closed on it. I definitely feel as if the adoption connections to my mental health generally have been recognised, explored, and subsequently exorcised. It was at that point that I started to feel that I had very little left to say, and so I stopped writing.
This week (end of September 2024) marks one year since I self-published the book and as time has gone by, the urge to throw down some more words has increased. It helps to declutter the brain in a way that is unsurpassed by anything else I have tried before.
I also thought that all you fantastic people that followed my, open and sometimes quite raw introspection last year on this blog might like one of those ‘One year later’ - after the third act of a movie type things too.
So, picture the scene …
Man in a dirty white vest covered in blood (could be his blood, could be someone else's … who knows!) stands holding the girl as the camera raises up and away on an almost catastrophically destroyed building, still burning from a massive explosion, the screen fades slowly to black.
“ONE YEAR LATER …”
In the movies it's often portrayed that the girl is clinging onto our man in a dirty vest, he's our hero, he saved the girl right?
Well, if you look closely in our movie,that man is being held up by the girl, she's the hero.
Those that have been following this little journey of mine will be aware of the amazing lady that, not only introduced me to the notion of adoption trauma, but then selflessly stood by and supported my entire journey through it. My adoptee mind and I, driven by the little shit I call Brian kicked, screamed, pushed and pulled both me and her for almost the entire time.
I owe everything I achieved, physically and mentally to her resolve and commitment during that time. I will always be so hugely grateful for that, I really don't believe I could have done any of it without her holding me up.
Now, it would be so nice to tell you that we were still together, stronger than ever, but I'm afraid I can't.
As I came out of the multiple layers of mental fog, I came to the awful conclusion and realisation that her world was being turned upside down along with mine. I started to feel the tremendous weight of guilt, I looked into our future and all I could see was rough seas for us, completely driven by me and the bizarre adoptee traits I was so aware of now. After everything, all I really wanted for her was to have the chance of a happy life, it's the very least I could do, isn't it?
We parted ways at the start of this year 2024, and all of a sudden the world went quiet. When a breakup happens, no matter how good or bad it is, there's a huge space to fill. In one respect I was relieved,I knew I was not causing more pain for her, but then what the hell was I going to do now?
All you adoptees will be thinking ‘No Wally! You've let Brian win.. Again, have you learnt nothing in the last few months you buffoon?!’ (Ha, never actually written the word ‘buffoon’ before!)
Ok, hold on there, I have learned some stuff. Adoptees all over the world will tell you how crippling their anxieties are when in relationships. We’re not conscious of it but, we are so on edge expecting our significant other to walk out of our lives, just like our birth mother did, that we over analyse everything we consider ‘not positive’, and it becomes a mountain we cannot navigate. For me, it bled into my entire subconscious and I became almost unreadable.
So what does that mean, what's the answer here? I hear you say. Well right now, I'm single. I feel that as much as I dislike that, im mentally level, clearer thinking and I'm learning to smile again. Getting out there on your own is not easy, but this year i've been on a solo holiday, I've rediscovered mountain biking after a few years away from it and i'm getting myself back to fitness both physically and mentally.
The biggest difference has been the ability to let go of those negative hypervigilant thoughts and just look forward with a much more positive view, that is such a revelation too!
Of course the negative side of all this is that being single might be how I function at my best, this is something i need to work on and it's the part of my future that I'm really not happy with.
As a side note, one of the oddest aspects of singledom is eating out alone, you sit at a table in a pub or restaurant and nobody comes over to serve you, as they are expecting you to be joined by someone. I now just get up and say, “It's just me”. I even had a waiter almost get my table with a plate, then look at me, go over to the bar confused why there was only one meal ordered for table 12! Top tip, don't put your coat over the opposite chair ha!
All in all though, I look back on the last couple years and I smile. How lucky was I to share that time with such an amazing lady?
