Guest Post - Looking From The Outside In - Part 2. By Em Bacon

..After any anxious thoughts, among other things, he would tell me he wasn’t good enough, and I’d be better off without him. We would have conversations for days, ending up with one-word replies, and then eventually becoming almost silent.

I would be left feeling empty and making up all sorts of scenarios of where he was and what he was doing and with whom. Pushing me away to a point where he thought I would eventually say goodbye. Building a wall between us, that neither of us could break through.

I would always give him a bit of time, as I thought this was Andy suffering from depression, and he would find his way out of it, plus I felt it wasn’t the ‘real him’ that was saying these things. This happened a couple of times, and we sort of got back on track, chatting, and seeing each other again but it never felt like he was fully back with me. 

 The thing is, I loved Andy with all my heart, so how could I let go of him.

Throughout this time, I had said maybe he should write down everything that he was thinking, so I bought him a pad and some pencils. I knew Andy had always sketched and made notes and did a bit of writing, but I wanted to encourage it. Plus, his messages to me were always so open and honest and articulate, I thought he would be good at it. I also thought it would be a great help to sort out what was going on in his head.

I hated what was happening between us. His mood swings were affecting me, and my busy life obviously caused some anxiety. I did question what I was doing in this relationship, and how it was making me feel. So, with my mind going bananas about being in a manipulative toxic relationship, I googled it, of course. I don't think I actually believed it was that kind of relationship, but I needed to get underneath it all, there was something not right here. I just had an urge to understand what was going on, and why he thought the way he did.

So many aspects were not relevant, but a few things that cropped up while I was searching were ‘lack of self-esteem’, ‘trauma’, and ‘fear of abandonment’. This then led me to research ‘Adoption Trauma’. So glad I did, it shouted out from the page. Was this what was going on? I had to find out more. Little did I know what it all meant then though.

In April, after another bout of depression and endless conversations, I knew he was in a bad way, knew he wasn’t eating properly, barely surviving, just managing to get to work, but that was it. This man meant so much to me, I had to see him, and I needed to make sure he was ok. I decided to visit, I got in my car the next day and drove 94 miles.

On that journey, I listened to a book entitled ‘Adoption Trauma’ by Fiona Myles. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, so many aspects of her life as an adoptee rang true to how he came across to me. It made me realise there were explanations for his behaviour and how he dealt with situations, and more importantly how he felt about himself. It was like she was talking about Andy.

When I got there, he was a shell of the person I knew, frail, physically and mentally. It scared me to see Andy like that. I knew he didn’t like me seeing him that way, I could tell he was anxious. So, we had a coffee, and I managed to get him out for a walk. Later in the day, I mentioned that I had listened to an audiobook that I think he would find interesting. I wasn’t sure how it would go down, but what did I have to lose?

I went home the next day, glad to have seen him, but obviously worried.

The next day I got a message that he had listened to the book. I was amazed, I didn’t expect him to have done that so quickly. He also found it enlightening, as if it was all about him and it started a new thought process within. He recognised so many traits. I couldn’t believe what he was telling me, it seemed to flick a switch on in his head.

I also sent Andy the link to’ Primal Wound’ by Nancy Verrier. I’d read that it is a renowned book that seems to be revered by all parties in the adoption process. He bought it and started to read it. Religiously.

Anne Heffron’s book ‘You Don’t Look Adopted’ was the next book I listened to, I thought he definitely should read this too.

Over the next few weeks, it became apparent to us both that adoption trauma is a thing and that it’s within him.

Since then, we have had our ups and downs, and time apart as he needed to come out of the fog, and understand what he was learning about himself. So, he started to write everything down. 

This was the wonderful beginning of Who’s Wally?

He is now embracing the journey to finding out who he is, understanding Adoption Trauma in relationships, learning new ways to cope with anxious thoughts and hopefully starting new counselling sessions.

Dear Wally,

I can’t put into words how proud I am of you right now Andy, it makes me super emotional to see this new positivity in you. Your writing is heartfelt and honest with your own touch of humour. It's just brilliant. I hope doing this helps other adoptees, partners and families of adoptees as much as it’s helping you. Can’t wait to have a copy of your book in print.

I know the road we are now on is not going to be easy, there is a lot to learn, and discover and I have no idea where it will lead us, but I want to share this journey with you and support and help as much as I can. Because I see you now and believe you are worth it.

Em x

Image: © Andy Wallis