Alcohol, The procrastination killer
I wrote this while I was drunk the other night.
I was just about to turn in and I was going around the house locking up and switching off when all of a sudden I had an urge to write. I thrashed it out in about 10 minutes, closed the lid of the laptop, and went to bed. I've just found it in the documents list and I now remember!
I've removed most of the expletives and words that were so badly typed even the spell checker couldn't decipher them and offered no suggestions.
Firstly, an apology. I'm struggling with Brian (my cognitive Managing Director). He's holding stuff back from me and I'm in the long process of getting those secrets shared. So if it seems as If I might be repeating myself, well, I think that's because I'm frequently coming at the problem from different angles. I'll wear him down!
As I've mentioned before, right in the middle of a nice and comfortable depression that seemed to come from nowhere, I read ‘Adoption Trauma’ by Fiona Myles and it really opened my eyes. From there I decided to start writing about my mental health problems in a bid to drill down into what the triggers might be.
Even after reading Fiona's book, I wasn’t 100% convinced it was linked to my adoption. I had my suspicions but I wasn’t certain. So I started learning more about adoption and its effects on the brain. And all of a sudden the world just seemed to open up and let me in. I couldn't believe the changes it has made in my life. I now believe that most of my issues have their roots in a beautifully formed attachment disorder but the first thing I felt I needed to do was to end my latest relationship. That sounds counterproductive, doesn't it?
The whole point about combating the effects of an attachment disorder through adoption or depression, and anxiety is to go towards the hard stuff and keep people you care about close. Believe me, I tried so hard to keep all my plates spinning. However in the end it was just making things worse. I needed to lose the pressure in my head that was linked to being close to someone. In the hope that it would allow me the space to confront my deepest fears and complications.
There was nothing wrong with ‘us’. But there was something not right where Brian was concerned. Over the last few months, I've been trying to silence the Brian influence on my mind, and not that i enjoy agreeing with Brian, he's the horrible little man that fucks things up for me. But on this occasion he was right…for god's sake, don’t tell him that!
My writing is for me, getting my thoughts out of my head and into something constructive, not keeping them in to be destructive. I assumed it would be only conscious thoughts that would end up in print. But the more I tapped on the keyboard, the more I was finding words and phrases I wasn't expecting to appear. Wow, there is something massively cathartic about this. I've got to carry on.
I've avoided social media for months, trying to reduce my life down to the smallest possible area, but starting the blog and subsequently starting to write for the book, a feeling that others could perhaps benefit from my ramblings was growing. I shouldn't sit on this if there is a chance it might switch a light on in someone else's ‘Brian’. But how do I do that? I mean, I'm feeling vulnerable enough just typing it out.
I gave myself a piece of my mind… “You are blogging to turn it into a book you idiot! If you don't start to share this properly, it is likely to go nowhere”. I took my own advice and started to share it on Facebook, on Fiona Myles adoption group feed first of all, this is a private group of 80 members. That's a safe place to share it I thought, small steps, smaaall steps… After a while, I was invited to join another group for adoptees. This group has around 700 members. A bigger group but still a safe place to share. I finally feel able to post it on my personal Facebook page and now there's a Twitter account @whosthatwallis, I'm now on LinkedIn as a freelance writer, and I'm seriously considering reinstating Instagram!
Bloody hell! What… have… I… done?
I don't recognise this new me, in just a few weeks I've gone from a very negative someone who is very closed off and shrinking further back at a rate of Knotts. To this new very light, positive person, who is open once again and sharing his ever-expanding mind.
I've even started to reconnect with people i knew years ago and it feels amazing. Thank you to all those people who have reconnected, contacted and helped me get to this point. Moreover, thank you to all that have taken the time to read my blog. You have no idea the difference it's made. Oh yes, of course, you do, I've just told you!
Oh also, i've just enrolled on a mental health awareness course, i did that while I was drunk too! God, I should be pissed more often. I'll be Prime Minister by Christmas!
Image: © Andy Wallis
