Life is a Rollercoaster
With the blog firmly in place, attracting over 6,000 views, and the book in the final throws of completion, I thought it would be a good idea to try and take stock.
This year has been a rollercoaster of a ride for me, I say that like I've been on roller coasters, and I haven't. Coming from an engineering background I see machinery break down all the time, Rollercoasters are just huge machines, I don't trust them.
The Christmas before was a strange one for me. At midnight on Christmas Eve, I was smashing a window in my conservatory with the help of a breakdown recovery man so that I could retrieve my spare car and house keys. I should have been on my way to Suffolk that afternoon to spend Christmas with Em and her family. Instead, I spent 10 hours being locked out of my house and car after I closed the boot down on the damn keys! I did manage to get to Suffolk by 10 a.m. Christmas Day though.
I wasn’t looking forward to the day really, it would be great to spend time with Em and her family sure, but I have a very low threshold when it comes to social gatherings and soon start shrinking back. Which I did in quite a big way. (more on that in the book).
Boxing Day morning I was to drive 3 hours back to collect my lovely kids and the plan was to go over to my parents. We arrived at about 1 p.m. to find my sister was also there. That's great, not seen her for so long. Unfortunately, she had brought her dog, I like dogs, I walked into the house and the dog instantly jumped into my arms. Cute.
Now what you don't know is that my youngest son is frightened to death of animals, especially dogs, and he froze. Straight away his eyes filled with frightened tears.
I just drove over 3 hours only to find we weren't going to be able to stay there. My son should be able to enjoy his Christmas time with his Dad and siblings, we would have to go home.
I started this year at a very low point, I can't be sure exactly what the catalyst was, perhaps Christmas was related, it didn't go as I'd imagined it would and I felt somewhat out of control of it all. I just know I was not good, numb, joyless, and depressed. This continued on for a few months and I was becoming less and less social. It was about March when Em finally started looking into the effects of adoption on a person and what she found was very similar to what she was seeing in me. It was at that point that my journey out of the adoption fog began.
I could not believe that there were others out there just like me, feeling the same things, and having the same reactions to events in their lives. I read all I could and Em and I spoke of nothing else for weeks.
I began to pick myself up day by day, I don't know if it was because of my newfound kinship with other adoptees or just that I was riding out the wave that the depression had put me on. Em suggested I start to write my experiences and thoughts down as she felt I might be good at it and it would be helpful, giving me a way to explore my mind more formally. As you know I took up the challenge and I've not stopped since.
Things were going along well, I had lots of energy, I was smiling once more, and I was full of ideas and plans for the blog and the book. It was so nice to have a challenge again. Great I’m sorted, that's me, I’m done, I’m well.
No …
A couple of months ago, The content writing for the book was coming to a close and I was feeling empty. I’d written so much in such a short time and I was starting to feel like I'd run out of material. The low self-esteem in me that had been kept at bay for so long was on the rise again. It pulled me under quickly and that alone was enough to kick-start more depression. And here was me thinking I’d done with all that.
In truth, I’ve been stuck with this black dog now ever since and it wasn't until very recently that I’ve started to come back. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I’m now fully engaged in finishing and promoting the book, My people-pleasing trait is obviously not just reserved for others, I need to feel useful to myself too.
Also, I’ve begun therapy, some months ago I tried to get a therapist local to me here in Grantham, I phoned to enquire, then I had an assessment over the phone and I was told there was a 12-week waiting list. I wasn't happy with that but agreed to wait. 14 weeks later I was emailed to say that they wouldn't be taking me on, as I didn't fit the criteria for the practice! You’d think someone might have been able to come back to me quicker than 3 months eh?
Through talking with another adoptee, I was put on to someone who has a practice in Manchester, so this would mean online sessions. By this point, I was less concerned about being in the same room as my therapist and more concerned with just getting the whole thing started. After an assessment just one week later, my first session was scheduled for a weeks time. That's more like it.
The counselling is bringing things out that I wasn't expecting and it's been tough. I find myself laughing out loud a lot during the sessions because I’m redirecting the emotions to something I can cope with. Letting go of all this pent-up emotion is not easy. My mood now can lift and drop in the space of an hour and it is affected by a sentence or look from someone else that sets off a trigger. I seem much more level without the mental interruptions of others. Not that I’m suggesting that avoiding people is by any means healthy. It's my default coping strategy.
To me, people are just rollercoasters, I don't trust them. What I mean to say is that I don't trust my reactions to people. My hypervigilant mind is looking for imaginary traps, and if there isn't one to be found, I’ll invent one.
Being the depressive sort makes me lethargic and I’ve really been able to hone my procrastination skills to such a degree that I'm thinking of becoming pro. I’d be a ‘pro-procrastinator’. I hate feeling that I’m wasting my time on this earth and depression makes me do just that. I need a goal, something personal to aim for.
As ridiculous as it sounds I don't think happiness appears to be a big enough goal for me, but I know it should be, It will be.
