Interviewed By The Daily Telegraph
Back in 2005, I was asked to comment on my adoption by a journalist from ‘The Daily Telegraph’.
Being the media whore I obviously was, I agreed.
The article was entitled ‘It's a Life Sentence With No Reprieve’ and in a roundabout way, it asked questions about the closed adoption system. The lead story was about a couple in South London who in 2000 had their 4 children taken from them, 2 were fostered out while the other 2 were adopted elsewhere.
The reason for this was, a court had held them responsible for poisoning one of the children with prescription drugs. The 16-month-old had swallowed 12-16 pills, prescribed for the eldest child to reduce bedwetting. However, The toxicology reports said that “less than one of the pills could have killed a child under 5”. It is not made clear in the article where the blame lay or what the outcome was, choosing rather to focus on the unfairness and grief the couple had experienced owing to the loss of their family.
The article residing on page 19 in the ‘Features’ section of the newspaper, goes on to talk about the closed adoption system. Amongst the various people interviewed, from birth parents to adoptees, my little 30-year-old face appears above a column of words formed from the interview I had over the telephone.
Read more about 'Closed' adoption on the blog.
Below are those words…
“My birth mother gave me up for adoption because she was 20 and didn't have space in her life for a child. My adopters were always very upfront about the circumstances and I couldn't have asked for a better childhood with them.
Nevertheless, seven years ago, when I was in my mid-twenties, I wanted to find my birth mother. You can't always put your finger on it, but something is always amiss, you feel there is a hole that is never going to get filled.
Back in 1998, my adoptive parents were happy when I found my birth certificate with my birth mother's name on it. They weren't so sure this year when I rang an agency ‘Searchline’ that was able to give me her telephone number. My adoptive mother said she was worried that I would disappear and that she would be forgotten, although I was able to reassure her that I would never do that.
When I made the call I was geared up for feeling over the moon, but it wasn't like that. My birth mother sounded quite flat and unemotional. She didn't even remember my birthday correctly. She said I sounded like my ‘dad’, whom I have never been interested in finding.
Open adoptions could feel more like permanent fostering and could be quite difficult for the adopters who might feel they had to fight to keep the child.
I have heard it said that you can't have too many people love a child and although an extended family is good, when it is extended from adoptive to birth families, it could become very confusing for all concerned.”
I do not want to comment too much on the story of the couple specifically, but it does raise some interesting ideas for me.
From what I know about my relinquishment, I was given up, not forcibly removed from my birth mother. But so many adoptees were placed with new families to keep them safe. This has to cause trauma that is on another level. How does a person adopted in this way begin to process that information? Are they grateful for essentially being saved? I would estimate that yes, there must be an element of salvation for them. But then to be removed rather than given up? In the case of the family in the article, there seemed to be an argument for a miscarriage of justice, were they innocent. Was this just an accident? Or had something more sinister transpired?
How does the child begin to place the emotions they must be left with after such a traumatic start? Is there relief for being potentially ‘saved’? Or maybe there is grief at the loss of the parents for the person's life, as it could all of been an innocent mistake. Perhaps there is anger that the birth parents allowed this to happen or at the justice system for misjudging the case and stealing a normal life from the child? Or is there perhaps shame that it happened at all?
Of course, I could have just described the thoughts and emotions of all adoptees, regardless of their beginnings.
Even though my adoption was relatively uneventful by comparison to some, and by all accounts, pretty straightforward. Still I feel the relinquishment has affected my life and has taken some quite dramatic and negative forms. I truly hope that the adult adoptees who started their lives in incomprehensible ways such as in the story above can recognise it and find a way of gaining peace.
After reading my thoughts in this article from 20 years ago it is indisputable that I had some understanding that I was different and the loss certainly wasn't alien to me either. I also noted that my parents' feelings seemed to be almost more important to me than my own. I was very conscious of not hurting them then during my search for my birth family, as I am today. I wonder how much of an influence that was on my decision to not pursue my searches after the phone call with my birth mother.
I think I still stand by my suggestion that open adoptions could be confusing for the families and the children involved. I would suggest that they need to be handled very carefully if good mental health for all concerned is to be maintained.
If anyone part of the adoption triad (adoptees, birth or adoptive parents) has experience with open adoptions and feels they would like to share it, then please get in touch, as I would love to know more on this subject, especially firsthand.
My final thought is not quite so serious…
What is going on with that excuse for a beard!? Why didn't someone just pull me to one side and say “Andy, Mate. give it up. There is a time and a place for facial hair on you and now isn't that time…OK?”.
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Image: © Andy Wallis
