Guest Post - The Annual Gnaw by Ujaala Chaudhuri. Adoptee.

Ujaala Chaudhuri and I have been in contact since she read my blog and felt the need to get in touch. She is quickly becoming my favourite person in Bombay. Although she is very quick to point out that I only know her in Bombay, but what the hell that has to do with it, I don't know! 

She is an adoptee and works in the media & entertainment industry. 

In her words, Ujaala is a believer in the basic goodness of all human beings. She enjoys her time with animals, books, watching films & tv show episodes, hanging out with kids, and gorging on wholesome, delicious ( multi) cuisines. 

As an adoptee, Ujaala is keen to connect with fellow adoptees with the hope of building a community for adoptees of adoptees, and by adoptees.

I just think she seems cool, so I asked her if she would guest post on the blog for me and she chose to blog a poem.

Ujaala wrote it in 2020 after she had turned 40.

Thank you Ujaala. Over to you…

‘The Annual Gnaw’

Pandemic birthdays are strange,

In a year filled with unfathomable grief. 

Disappointment, anxiety, 

Loss.

The big 40! 

The day was spent in the love & kindness of extended family, 

Friends and well-wishers. 

I chose gratitude to tap into what feels authentic.

And then there’s this sadness 

That creeps up, 

Every.    single.    Year.

Louder & stronger 

Shaking it off becomes heavier. 

A constant gnaw 

Where does this sadness come from? 

I’ve been reflecting a lot on fear.

And envisioning what lives beyond it.

Go for the jugular,

Identify the emotions & feelings, I told myself this year. 

Angry for not being able to articulate feelings 

of loss, rage, and rejection.

Feelings of being abandoned, unwanted, discarded.

And then it hits me Every birthday 

I think of my birth mother

Has she forgotten? 

Has she remembered?

You can find her on Instagram @ooojaala or connect via email at ujaala@gmail.com

Image: © Ujaala Chaudhuri