Adoption Trauma and me. An Introduction.

As I write this I'm about 10% into writing my experiences growing up as an adoptee. I was adopted as baby in 1973. I'm not a celebrity, a politician, a football manager, a reformed master criminal, or famous for being on Big Brother for that matter. I'm not writing these words to massage my ego, crack the USA, make you, the reader, like me, or sell books, I'm writing words on a screen to help myself.

I need to know me. The real me, not the pretend me that so often is the first person you speak to when you meet me, or at least that's how it feels. No, the real ME never feels part of a group, the real ME refuses to let people in and runs away, the real ME feels a fraud in almost every situation, and breaks his back to help people or say the right thing just to get social acceptance. Like me, like me, LIKE ME.

The real me gets depressed, suffers weird moments of anxiety, and hates letting go of the gorilla grip he has on life for fear of losing control. I often feel trapped inside myself, holding myself back and that is an almost comfortable feeling. It's as if I'm at a funeral and I can't be seen to be happy for the sake of the other mourners.  And so much more that I will hopefully learn as I go along.  Adoption Trauma was a term that wasn't in my vocabulary up until a few months ago, it might be new to you too. Upon hearing the term I did a bit of a deep dive, reading books written by adoptees, searching YouTube, scouring the internet for podcasts, and searching social media for any mention of it. and what I unearthed blew my tiny mind.

I was told by my parents that I was special and chosen, so thought I was unique. but it turns out im not, so many others have struggled with the same issues. wow! For years I had no idea that adoption trauma was even a thing! now it seems as if I could be living with it and, so many others are too.  Starting to write this book is giving me issues already. Will I put enough feeling in and not just all facts? What should I do with it, publish it, blog it? Will I run out of content? And most importantly, can I be honest enough?

One thing is for sure, there is very little written by men out there about first-person experiences of adoption and the effects thereof, so I'm giving it a go.